sexEdvice

_{Unpublished post, originally written 8/31/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: I had sex last night and the condom broke. I want to take the morning after pill but I’m scared because I heard it makes you really sick and I’d have to stay home from school. Is this true?

A: Not to sound super cynical, but even if if you had to miss a day of school because of emergency contraception (aka: the morning-after-pill), that is nothing compared to the amount of time you’d probably miss dealing with the outcomes of an unwanted pregnancy.

That being said, emergency contraception can make you feel nauseous. So if you are worried about this, ask your doctor, or the pharmacist, for anti-nausea medication that you can take at the same time.

Everyone’s body responds differently to EC. Once I took EC and felt really gross and barfy all day. Another time, I took it and felt fine. And of course what felt the best was getting my period a few days later. There is really no way to predict how you will feel. Still, most girls are able to function fine after taking EC.

EC is great option, but even better is not having to deal with it in the first place. Some girls who use condoms also go on the pill or the patch as a back up if the condom breaks. You can also reduce the chances of a condom breaking by following these tips:

• Make sure that the condom hasn’t expired.
• Use lots of lube! A big reason condoms break is because they dry up.
• Only use the right kind of lube. Nothing with oil (like Vaseline or moisturizer) can be used with a latex condom.
• Check that the condom is still on properly during sex.

Good luck!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 11/30/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: My boyfriend and I have anal sex because I want to wait until I’m married to have regular sex. Do we still need to use condoms? And is it dangerous for him to ejaculate inside me?

A: A lot of people are really into anal sex, but if you are using it as a way to preserve your virginity, you might not be getting the benefits you are hoping for.

While pregnancy isn’t a risk from anal, STDs are. Everything from HIV to HPV and chlamydia can be spread anally. So, yes, it is crucial to use a condom, and yes, ejaculating increases your risk.

You should also know that plenty of folks believe that you lose your virginity if you have anal, even if you have never had “regular” sex.

Teens sometimes forgo the condoms when they aren’t worrying about pregnancy, but doing so is a risky gamble. Are you sure you and your boyfriend don’t have any STDs? Have either of you had anal or oral (not to mention vaginal) sex with someone in the past? If so, you could have an STD — even if you feel fine and don’t have symptoms.

If you want to wait to have vaginal sex until you are married, that’s fine. But don’t substitute other forms of sex without protecting yourself. Doing that could leave you you and your future husband with some pretty nasty infections that you might not feel like explaining on your honeymoon.

Q: I’m 13 and my boyfriend is 14. I love him with all my heart and I know I’m ready for sex. My friends all tell me I’m too young and that it’s against the law to have sex at my age. Is this true?

A: Kind of and that depends. In most states it is not a crime for underage teens to have sex with other underage teens, but in some places it is actually illegal for minor to have sex, even if they both consent and even if they are the same age.

As to the question of whether or not you are too young, that is a tougher one. A lot of people, including your friends, think that 13 is just too young to have sex, and many teens find that it is better to wait to have sex until they are older and will have more information and be in a better position to get help if they run into problems.

Love is great, but when it comes to sex, it isn’t the only important thing to think about. Here are some others:

1. Do you think you might feel different about your boyfriend after having sex? How do you think sex will affect your relationship? What if it changes how your boyfriend feels or acts?
2. Are you feeling pressured into having sex?
3. What if you break up soon after having sex?
4. Do you know how to protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs?
5. Do you have access to condoms? Are you comfortable using them with your partner?
6. Do you know how to get tested for STDs and will you do that?
7. Are you comfortable telling your boyfriend what feels good and what doesn’t?
8. If something goes wrong or you have an emergency, do you have an adult who you can talk to?

Thinking about these questions will help you decide if sex is something you actually want to get into right now. Good luck!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 11/14/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: I just found out I’m pregnant, which is a scary thought by itself. To make matters worse, I go to a Catholic school where they have a policy that you’re not allowed to go to class once you start showing. I’m pretty sure it’s only a rule because pregnant students aren’t exactly good for a Catholic school’s reputation. I think it’s totally unfair, cruel and embarrassing that they’re basically kicking me out. Do they have a right to do this? And what are my options if I want to continue my education while I’m pregnant?

A: Thanks to something called Title IX, public schools can’t kick students out for being pregnant. However, as long as they don’t receive government money, private schools generally can. That being said, a private school can be sued for discrimination for dong so.

Of course, taking legal action is no picnic. It can be expensive, complicated and very hard to do without a parent’s support. So before you think about involving the courts, you might want to consider approaching you school’s administration with a parent or other supportive adult to discuss your options.

If, in the end, you are forced to leave your school, that doesn’t mean you will be forced to drop out completely. One option is to enroll in your local public school. Public schools are legally required to accept local students even if they are pregnant. You can also talk to your current school about being home schooled or having your work sent home with you. Of course, this might make you feel really isolated and alone, which is the last thing you want when you are pregnant.

As you have already discovered, being a pregnant teen can be tough, but know you aren’t alone. A lot of other girls have been in your situation and come out on top! Finding someone who can be your advocate and can explain your rights and options is a really important thing to do, and one of the best ways to make sure you are able to stay in school. Support is out there, you just need to know where to find it!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 10/18/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: I noticed a bump inside
of my vagina while I was masturbating. It’s sort of in the middle
portion of my vaginal canal. What do you think it is?

A: There are a few possibilities. You might be feeling your cervix.  The cervix is the top of the vagina and the bottom of the uterus. 

This might also be a cyst or other medical condition that you should get checked out.

Of course, you might have come across your g-spot.

There is a little bit of debate over what the g-spot is, or if it even exists. However, it seems likely that this term refers to a system of ducts and glands that surround the urethra. For some women this area is very sensitive and can contribute to orgasm and even female ejaculation.

Female ejaculation is a lot like male ejaculation, minus the sperm. About 10% of women ejaculate when their g-spot is stimulated.  We think that the fluid come from something called the Skene’s glands and emerges through tiny ducts near the opening of the urethra.

Of course, since there is no way for me to really know what is going on over the internet, it might just be a good idea to see a gyno and see what she thinks!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 10/18/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: My boyfriend and I tried to have sex a few times but it just doesn’t work! It never seems to go in and i don’t understand what the problem is.

A: Hmmm, could be a few things.

1) You might not be lubricated enough.
2) You boyfriend might not be fully erect, or he might partially lose his erection before penetration.
3) You might need to guide the penis with your hand.
4) You might have a smallish vagina and he might have a biggish penis.

So what can you do?  Well, you can try lube for one.  You can also try penetration with a finger first, and then work up to two before inserting the penis.   

People also usually need to place the penis into the vagina with a hand, (either yours or his).  That’s because typically the penis doesn’t just effortlessly glide into the vagina, so helping out a bit can make all the difference. 

Also, while most penises fit into most vaginas, if he is on the bigger side, and you are on the smaller side, then you might just need to go more slowly and work your way in. Some people don’t try for full penetration all at once, but rather just try to work the penis in a little at a time over the course of a few sessions.

Of course, if you are nervous, you might be inadvertently clenching your vaginal muscles and making penetration difficult. If you think this might be the issue, you can either try to relax, or you can hold off on intercourse for a little while until you feel more comfortable.

Has this happened to any of the gURLs out there?  How did you deal with it?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 10/28/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: My boyfriend won’t use condoms. I can’t get the pill because my mom would find out. Is there any way to have sex and not get pregnant?

A: Your boyfriend is by no means the only guy in the world refuse to use condoms, but I’d like to think his type is a dying breed.

You don’t mention why he is opposed. Does he claim that condoms are too small? In that case, you could always go for an extra large condom.

Does he have a latex allergy?  If so, use a polyurethane or female condom.

Does he promise to pull out in time? You might want to remind him that even if he succeeds, there is no way to control when he releases pre-cum, which in rare cases can lead to pregnancy.

Is he trying to get you pregnant?  If that’s not something you want, you really might want to rethink the relationship.

Actually, if this guy is putting you at risk for any reasons, you might want to ask yourself why you are with a person who doesn’t seem to care about your health or safety.

Look, no one is going to pretend that having sex with a condom is exactly the same as having sex without one. But I’d challenge this guy to find teen parents whose sex lives are exactly like they were before the baby. Or someone with an STD, who hasn’t felt their infection impact sex at all.

The only way to reliably prevent a pregnancy is to use birth control. If condoms and the pill aren’t options, you can try spermicide. However, this is one of the least effective forms of birth control around.  If you have really regular periods, you can also consider natural family planning. But again this method doesn’t offer you 100% pregnancy protection.

I know it’s easy to tell someone to break up with a guy who won’t use condoms, and a lot harder to actually do so. But often guys who don’t care about their partner’s health, also don’t care about other aspects of their happiness or safety.

Have other gURLs been in this situation? How have you handled it?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 10/27/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: I currently have a staph infection and it has spread to my genital area. Can I give this to my partner during sex?

A: Staph infections are really common. They often live on the skin near the mouth, genitals and anus. 

If one person has genital staph infection, it can be passed to a partner during sex, especially if the other person has a cut or sore on their skin. Using a condom can help reduce your risk, but because condoms don’t cover all the skin that might be infected, they can’t eliminate it.

A lot of staph infections can be treated with antibiotics, so it is really important to see your doctor and find out what kind you have.  If you are prescribed antibiotics, make sure you take them exactly as directed and finish the entire bottle, even if you feel better. Your doctor may or may not recommend that you hold off on sex until you are better.

If you think think that your boyfriend might have been exposed to your staph,  it would be really wise for him to see a doctor, as well.

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_{Unpublished post, originally written 3/5/08 for my state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Question: My boyfriend and I have been having regular sex and don’t use any protection. We don’t have any infections and are trying for a baby but I’m not getting pregnant and it’s confusing me. Does this mean I can’t have babies?

Answer: Nope, it could actually mean a few different things. I don’t know how long you have been trying, but for a lot of people pregnancy doesn’t happen immediately. In fact, there is only about a 25% chance of getting pregnant each monthly cycle.

Here are a few things that can stand in the way of getting pregnant:

• Not having sex at the right time. Women can only get pregnant when they ovulate (release an egg) or soon after. If you don’t have sex when you ovulate you won’t get pregnant.

• If you went off hormonal birth control recently it could take a while for your cycle to get back to normal.

• Being stressed out can also affect your cycle.

• So can having an eating disorder. This is because women need a certain amount of body fat to menstruate.

• Certain medical conditions (like a man with a low sperm count, or a woman with polycystic ovarian syndrome) can make pregnancy harder.

As you probably know, having a baby is a big deal. You don’t mention how old you are or how long you have been with your boyfriend, but there are a few things you might want to think about before taking the plunge.

According to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy:

• The children of teenage mothers have lower birth weights

• They are more likely to perform poorly in school.

• They are at greater risk of abuse and neglect.

• Teen mothers are less likely to complete high school than girls who aren’t moms (only one-third receive a high school diploma) and only 1.5% have a college degree by age 30.

• Nearly 80 percent of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare.

• The sons of teen mothers are 13 percent more likely to end up in prison

• The daughters of teen moms are 22 percent more likely to become teen mothers themselves.

Look, being a parent can be wonderful, and there are success stories from young parents. But even the most successful teen moms would probably agree that ensuring a positive outcome is anything but easy.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

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