sexEdvice

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/31/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

For a number of years, I worked with Planned Parenthood. My main job was to answer teens’ sex questions on the organization’s website.

Most of the questions were earnest, but some were downright hostile.

Amidst inquiries about how to use a condom or put in a tampon, I’d get the occasional, “WHY DOES PLANNED PARENTHOOD KILL BABIES???? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!!”

Of course, Planned Parenthood does not kill babies, but one of the many things that some of its health centers do is provide abortions. Because Planned Parenthood is the most famous organization to offer such a service, it attracts a lot of hate mail from those opposed to allowing women this reproductive choice.

I was reminded how deeply anti-Planned Parenthood feelings run while reading a recent article on sex education in Alaska (a hot topic since Sarah Palin stepped onto the scene).

The article was talking about the efforts of a college student to get more funding for sex education. It mentioned that “University of Alaska Anchorage junior Amber Sawyer heads a group called Vox, Voices for Planned Parenthood. It is circulating a Planned Parenthood petition that has collected 1,100 names since late August.”

It was a pretty harmless reference that wasn’t central to the article. Still, it managed to elicit a passionate response from one reader who left this as a comment:

“It always comes back to Planned Parenthood ,the company that stands to profit greatly off of unplanned pregnancies, pushing their agenda of teaching kids its OK just use a condom. It disgusts me that this company gets involved with pushing there agenda and making a mockery of those that tell their kids abstinence is the best form of birth control. It is obvious that teaching alternative forms of sex ed benefits Planned Parenthood. The only sure method to prevent unwanted pregnancies is abstinence and that will not make them a dime.”

The claim that Planned Parenthood encourages teen pregnancy to line its pockets is nothing new, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. Planned Parenthood, a not-for-profit agency, is more likely to cover the costs for health care than it is to run laughing to the bank.

Unfortunately, it’s not only random commenters who twist the truth when attacking this organization. Recently John Weaver, a strategist for John McCain’s presidential campaign called Planned Parenthood “one of the most radical pro-abortion groups in the country.”

Wanting to keep abortion safe, legal and accessible is not the same as being “radically pro-abortion.” (What does that even mean?)

Weaver’s comment reinforced the idea that the only thing Planned Parenthood does is provide abortions. This is obviously incorrect. The president of Planned Parenthood responded to Weaver’s statement by clarifying exactly what Planned Parenthood does:

“Ninety seven percent of Planned Parenthood’s services are focused on prevention, including family planning, contraception, and testing and treatment for sexually transmitted infections. Three percent of Planned Parenthood services are abortion care.”

This is important information. It is also important to realize that:

• Planned Parenthood tries to prevent unplanned pregnancies and hopes that every pregnancy is a wanted pregnancy.
• As a non-profit organization, they do not benefit financially from teen pregnancies. In fact, they tend to offer heavily subsidized health services that young women can afford.
• Not all Planned Parenthood health centers even provide abortions. Many just offer gynecological and pre- and post-natal care.

In its ninety year history, Planned Parenthood has helped countless women facing reproductive health challenges. The fact that it is constantly attacked is a sad sign that this country has a long way to go towards accepting the importance and scope of women’s health needs.

What is your impression of Planned Parenthood? Have you had any personal experiences with them?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 8/31/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: I had sex last night and the condom broke. I want to take the morning after pill but I’m scared because I heard it makes you really sick and I’d have to stay home from school. Is this true?

A: Not to sound super cynical, but even if if you had to miss a day of school because of emergency contraception (aka: the morning-after-pill), that is nothing compared to the amount of time you’d probably miss dealing with the outcomes of an unwanted pregnancy.

That being said, emergency contraception can make you feel nauseous. So if you are worried about this, ask your doctor, or the pharmacist, for anti-nausea medication that you can take at the same time.

Everyone’s body responds differently to EC. Once I took EC and felt really gross and barfy all day. Another time, I took it and felt fine. And of course what felt the best was getting my period a few days later. There is really no way to predict how you will feel. Still, most girls are able to function fine after taking EC.

EC is great option, but even better is not having to deal with it in the first place. Some girls who use condoms also go on the pill or the patch as a back up if the condom breaks. You can also reduce the chances of a condom breaking by following these tips:

• Make sure that the condom hasn’t expired.
• Use lots of lube! A big reason condoms break is because they dry up.
• Only use the right kind of lube. Nothing with oil (like Vaseline or moisturizer) can be used with a latex condom.
• Check that the condom is still on properly during sex.

Good luck!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/24/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

The only club I ever successfully started in high school was a short lived animal rights group. We held meetings, tried to convince people to become vegetarians, and plastered the halls with handmade posters promoting our cause.

I’m sure a lot of you have done similar things, and if activism and organizing is your bag, why not think about starting a sex ed. program at your school? That might sound a bit more daunting than trying to raise money for prom or organize a spring break trip, but depending on your school, it might be a lot easier than you think.

Here are three great resources that can help teens establish sex ed. programs in their schools.

Planned Parenthood’s REAL life kit:

SIECUS’s Community Action Kit:

The ACLUs Take Issue Take Charge

Sex ed. is a crucial aspect of teen health. Taking charge and making it happen can be a great thing to do personally and for your community.

If you have any experience getting sex ed. into your school let us know about it in the comments!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/24/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

What’s our problem? Why is the American teen pregnancy rate twice as high as Canada’s and the UK’s, and eight times as high as the rest of Western Europe’s?

Why do teens still get STDs in record numbers?

How can we fill our TV shows and billboards with images of sultry looking preteens, yet turn around and punish kids for actually experimenting with their sexuality?

And ultimately, how can we, as a society, help teens grow into sexually healthy adults?

When it comes to young people and sex, we are nation of hypocrites. One way to improve the sexual health of our youth is to call out our contradictions. We need to accept that culturally we aren’t on the cutting edge of this issue. We also need to be willing to challenge some of our most deeply ingrained assumptions about the risks of teen sex, and acknowledge some of the benefits to having a more open attitude about a topic many people still consider taboo.

Now that is a pretty tall order.

But there is something concrete we can do to get to that place. Comprehensive sex education, not just for teens, but for adults as well.

This isn’t just a crazy idea. it’s something I’ve actually seen work.

A few years ago, I ran a sex ed. program for the parent’s of my HIV peer educators. It turned out that having never gotten sex ed themselves, a lot of the parents I worked with knew even less about these issues than their kids! But offering a few seminars for them made a huge difference both in their knowledge, as well as in their attitudes towards their kids’ sexuality.

But convincing parents that they need sex ed on a large scale is a tall order. Do you think your parents would take a sex ed class if your school offered one? Would you even want them to?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/24/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

If you were in the middle of a crisis, who would you talk to about it? Would mom and dad be at the top of your list? Or would it be a sibling, friend or stranger?

Everyone is going to have a different answer, yet parents often assume that their kids aren’t talking to them–even if they are. I know my parents thought that! In fact, to this day, I still try to convince my dad that as a teen I wasn’t harboring a secret life that he knew nothing about. But he assumed that because I copped to smoking cigarettes and sleeping over at boyfriend’s houses, then I must have been hiding the more serious stuff.

I didn’t tell my parents absolutely everything, of course, but I also wasn’t secretly giving birth at prom, or hiding a drug addiction.

And I’m not an anomaly. Plenty of teens are talking to mom and dad about plenty of things. For example, according to the ACLU,

“Even in the absence of any legal requirement, most teens who are pregnant and seeking an abortion involve a parent in their decision. The younger the teenager, the more likely her parents are to know about her decision: ninety percent of adolescents fourteen or younger report that at least one of their parents knew of their decision.”

And the one’s who don’t tell a parent? Well, they usually have a pretty good reason for avoiding the subject—say, because they are a victim of incest or fear being kicked out of the house.

It’s not just the biggies like abortion of course, and I’d love to hear your thoughts about what you share with your folks and what you don’t. If you don’t share with them, why not?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/24/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Kids are coming out as gay and lesbian younger than ever before. This has benefits and drawbacks. Though many teens no longer have to live a lie, GLBT youth are still likely to be victims of both physical and verbal harassment.

Indeed, a study done by the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network found that nine out of ten GLBT teens had been bullied for their sexual orientation. Equally disturbing are the facts that young men who have sex with men are contracting AIDS in huge numbers, and that GLBT teens are three times more likely to attempt suicide than are their straight peers. Additionally, a high number of young GLBT teens have been victims of sexual assault, and many have significantly older partners.

Is this a crisis. Yes. Is life worse for gay teens today than it used to be? No.

For all the challenges queer teens face, today’s world also presents them with opportunities impossible to imagine even a decade ago. Despite the setbacks of California’s Proposition 8, gay marriage is a reality for the first time ever.

Hollywood has moved from showing gays only as pathetic or predatory to portraying them in a range of multidimensional roles. Combine this with the fact that GLBT teens now have access to gay/straight alliances, community programs and Internet support, and we have a much more encouraging future to offer queer youth.

But that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is it easier to be a GLBT teen today than it was in the past?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/24/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Teens and sex: it’s a topic that never seems to run out of steam. One minute we are hit with a story about Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby, and the next we are told that Bristol Palin is hot on her trail.

If that doesn’t catch our attention, reports that one in four America girls carry an STD, or warnings that access to Internet porn will eternally thwart a teen’s development, are sure to do so.

But do these headline grabbers really tell the whole story? Not by a long shot.

Sure, some teens are uneducated and uninformed. Some make bad choices, and some have questionable morals. But plenty are on the right track.

For example, a recent study done by the Centre for Sexual Health & HIV Research at the University College London found that teens are actually more likely to use condoms than are adults. And while the American teen birthrate is shockingly high, it is nowhere near its 1954 level.

Though it is often assumed that teens are more sexually active today than they were at any other point in history, this assumption handily ignores both reality and the past.

Generation Y did not invent the concept of underage sex. Colonial youth engaged in something called “bundling,” where it was considered acceptable for young couples to lie in bed together to “stay warm.”

Kids in the fifties were getting it on in the back seat of dad’s car, and seventies teens took advantage of one of the safest periods of sex in history: syphilis had long since been cured, morals had relaxed, the birth control pill was an option, abortion was legal, and AIDS was a decade away.

Today’s teens often get blamed for their promiscuity, skewed values and risk taking as if their lifestyle choices are completely novel. Really though, while the cast and setting are ever changing, much about the plot remains the same.

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/24/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

When you think of a pregnant teen, who comes to mind?  For a lot of people, it wouldn’t be a church going, purity ball attending evangelical Christian teen.

However, an article published this fall in the New Yorker explains that in a lot of cases this is exactly who is getting pregnant! The article reported on the findings of a survey done by Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the University of Texas at Austin. Here are some of the things he discovered:

• 74% of white evangelical adolescents said that they believed in abstaining from sex before marriage.

Yet…

• Evangelical teenagers are more sexually active than Mormons,
  mainline Protestants, and Jews.
• White evangelical
  Protestants are among the youngest teens to first have sex, on average first losing their virginity at 16.
• Evangelical
  Protestant teenagers are significantly less likely than other groups
  to use contraception. Evangelicals are also among
  the most likely to believe that using contraception will send the
  message that they are looking for sex.
• Only half of sexually active
  teenagers in the study who said that they sought guidance from God or the Scriptures
  when making a tough decision reported using contraception every time.
• Alternately, sixty-nine per cent of sexually active youth who say that
  they most often follow the counsel of a parent or another trusted adult
  consistently use protection.

With the recent rise in teen pregnancy rates, it is important to look at all the contributing factors. However, I have a sneaky feeling that this information isn’t going to sit well with the abstinence-only, no sex before marriage crowd.

What do you think of this piece of the puzzle?  Does it ring true to you?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 11/22/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Would you choose to end the pregnancy with an abortion? Would you consider having the baby and being a parent? Or would you think about adoption?

Back when it wasn’t considered socially acceptable for a teen to be a mother, and before abortion was legal, adoption was often the only option for pregnant teens. Luckily, modern women have more choices. But even with additional options, adoption shouldn’t be discounted. In a lot of cases, it really still is the best choice for a girl experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.

One of the reasons some girls are wary of adoption is that they have an old fashioned idea about what the process is like. But things have changed and gone are the days when a woman who was doing an adoption didn’t even get to hold her baby in the hospital before it was whisked away, never to be seen again.

Today more and more women choose to do what are called open adoptions. Though there is no rule book for how they will be done, there are usually some common elements. For example, in an open adoption, a girl can usually help choose the adoptive parents and meet them before making a decision. And prior to the adoption going through, the birth mother and the adoptive parents may choose to draw up a plan for the future. This can include agreements to:

• Have the adoptive parents send the birth mother regular updates and pictures of the child.

• Allow the child to meet the birth mother, (often when he or she is 18, and sometimes before).
• Keep each others’ contact information current.

If you do choose to do an open adoption, there are some good organizations that can help you. Two good ones are the Oregon based, Open Adoption & Family Services and the New York based, Friends in Adoption.

Does anyone out there have an experience with open adoption that they’d like to share? If so, let us know about it in the comments!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/28/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

A few years back I was answering anonymous questions for the website teenwire.com. A 13-year-old girl wrote in. Her father had raped her. She was pregnant and writing to find out what to do because she didn’t want to tell her mother what had happened. It’s been years since I first read that letter, but it has stayed with me.

Partly, that’s because incest, sex between family members, is one of the most disturbing crimes. It is also something that is taboo in almost all cultures and religions.

Of course, incest is not only taboo. It is also a crime.

How does this break down? Here are a few examples: it is illegal for adults like parents, stepparents, grandparents, or aunts an uncles to have sex with a child or teen. It is also against the law for siblings to have sex. And while in some cultures it is common for first cousins to marry, that’s forbidden in 27 American states.

Incest is a really complicated crime. Victims are often ashamed and fearful. Many are afraid of what revealing the abuse could do to their families, and some feel the need to protect the perpetrator. Often, girls worry that they won’t be believed. As a result is hard to find precise numbers on incest, but it is estimated that anywhere between two and eleven percent of rape victims are assaulted by a family member.

Incest is one of the hardest things for a victim to talk about. But there is help. A good place to start is the Rape, Incest and Abuse National Network. They can be reached online or at 1.800.656.HOPE.